In last two decades, or even more, I have experienced loneliness in different forms. The disguises of loneliness are many; both conceivable and inconceivable. It’s unbearable, no matter in which disguise loneliness attacks me. Its intensity is always focused, and therefore, exalted. It leaves me stranded in the state of anxiety. It’s awful: short breath, sweaty palms, a weird sensation in the heart region, agonizing emotions. My hunger for food and that for compassion are inversely affected during this state of anxiety. The desire for food diminishes, and the need for compassion rises. I experience a suffocating pain in the throat each time I swallow spoonful of wheat porridge. The twitch travels down to the diaphragm along with the wheat porridge. I stop eating. To feed myself with compassion I take deep breaths, but soon I loose focus. It’s so much easier to stimulate pain. Isn’t it?
In the long course of emotional ping-pong, for the first time I experienced a few moments of stillness yesterday. But those moments were smeared with strong indifference toward the pain that I, myself, caused to a loved one. In my struggle to deal with the individual pain, have I become ruthless with others?
Filed under: Life
One Response